Photo courtesy of Jon Pitts-Wiley

Since there's no such thing as spring in New England, I recently found myself having added socks to my customary bedroom attire, which is drawers. I generally dislike sleeping in socks unless I’m deathly ill, but having cold feet is just not a reality I care to deal with when I know I could do something about it. Besides, The Feath is Queen of the Chilly Feet and two people in bed with chilly feet is like two junkies sharing a rock: united in destruction. Or something.

Anyway, as I jumped into bed last night, I found myself puzzling over various things; the sort of puzzling one is wont to do when they are trying to get warm in bed and aren’t yet at the point where their brain has volunteered to shut itself down for the evening. Sitting there, I stumbled upon a question:

How come guys in porno don’t take their socks off?

Have you ever stood in just your socks? It looks ridiculous. In fact, I’d go so far as to say if you need to give yourself an easy laugh, stand in front of a mirror in just your socks (you can also heighten that absurdity by adding a hat). Of all the articles of clothing I can think of, socks are the most in need of a mate–outside of a matching friend, of course. Sure; you’d still look weird wearing just a shirt and socks, but as far as articles of clothing go, a shirt just holds an air of legitimacy that socks can’t ever really hope to attain.

Socks are functional but weird, and the thought of wearing only them becomes increasingly weird when you consider them being the only thing you’re wearing while shooting an adult film. For those of you who have never taken a gander at porn, the standard procedure is as follows:

1. Guy or girl shows up in some hilariously unlikely scenario or is just sitting on a couch when the appropriate partner just happens to walk by.
2. TERRIBLE small talk which—naturally—leads to the lady in question having the insatiable desire to bring pleasure to his no-no place.
3. Guy’s shirt comes off while girl says lewd things and rubs on the outside of guy’s pants.
4. Pants are unbuckled/pulled off as lady sates her insatiable appetite (while continuing to say lewd and quasi-hilarious things)
5. An unrealistic but entertaining version of sex takes place.

Step #4 often involves a man stepping out of, or kicking away, the pants he was wearing so that he has full range of motion to perform unrealistic but entertaining sexual acts while saying lewd and quasi-hilarious things. In this deft flinging of pant, you’ll often see a dizzying flash of white:

Socks. Pulled up.

Well above the ankle, but not comically grazing the calf. These socks are always crispy white; they are never of the low-cut length which is drastically less hilarious to see in the air than its taller counterpart. Why are they wearing socks at all?

I suppose there could be a practical reason. With all those hours of shooting and hoisting and angling and repositioning, perhaps the feet can’t take that kind of abuse. Bruce Willis had special casts made for his feet when he filmed Die Hard, so perhaps it's the same sort of thing. That seems a reasonable enough theory considering the fact that porn is shot from such a male-dominant perspective, i.e. lots of guy “doing” things, that bare feet on the floor is not feasible.

Lying in bed, attempting to place myself in a porn-like scenario—which is unreasonable because most porn takes place on couches or similarly-angled apparatuses for the purpose of variety—I was thunderstruck by a simple fact:

There is no sexy way to take your socks off.

I tried to practice it gracefully, but it can’t be done. The awkward nature of socks, particularly medium to tall socks, overwhelms any attempt to be seem sexy.

And beyond that, taking off socks isn’t easy when you’re preparing for the throes of passion. Sure; you can step out of pants easily, but socks have you gripped up in such a way that, even on your best attempt, you end up doing that weird stompy, wriggling thing that makes you look like you have an itch about the legs. Of course, low-cut socks seem like a reasonable alternative, but you just can’t wear low-cut socks all the time, especially if you’re wearing shoes and not sneakers. I imagine from a work perspective in the adult film world, the prospect of a low-cut sock slipping off and ruining a take is enough to make them a poor wardrobe choice.

Or maybe porn just has a sense of humor.

ODDS FACT: The odds a sexually active man ever wears something sexy for his partner are 1 in 1.64.

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