Photo courtesy of Molly Brennan

I’m leaving for a business trip, which means some good things: two days off from parenting, a long plane ride with a good book, one night in a hotel room during which I can sleep through the entire night without being rousted by a screaming child, and a chance to do good work for my company. But it also has some not-so-good elements, most of which revolve around some form of guilt. Guilt for leaving my kids for two days, guilt that my husband has to run the show by himself, guilt that I’m semi-looking forward to being away for two days. And the sad truth is that I’ll probably wake up five times during the night even when my kids are 1,000 miles away!

It makes me crazy that guilt plays such a big role in all that I feel and experience as a working mother. I feel pretty positive that my husband and most other guys out there don’t feel too much guilt about going away for a quick business trip. But still, there it is, each and every time I go away and a good deal of the time that I’m home, too. Guilt.

And it really doesn’t make any sense. I have a job that I like and I’m good at it. I also think, at least on my good days, that I’m a good mother. I know it’s not causing my children any harm to have me away from them for a few days every once in a while. It’s probably doing them some good, actually. They have a mother and a father who are equally involved in their care, and they can turn to either one of us for anything they need, something I hope will continue to be true as they age.

For me, the guilt stems from a deep ambivalence about being a mother. I want it all while simultaneously wanting none of it. I want my kids to be utterly tuned in to me, I want to be the only one who can soothe them, the one they turn to when they’re hurt or scared. I want to be the kind of mother who cooks nutritious meals every day, I want them to never watch TV, I want to be focused on their every thought and need. But I also don’t want any of that.

I want my own life. I want to succeed at work, I want to grow and learn professionally and personally, to go back to school or change careers without worrying about how I’ll pay for day care. I want to be free to spend time with my friends and my husband. I resent that I can’t just walk out the door and go to the movies or curl up in my bed and read a book for an afternoon or sleep late when I want to. And I often feel bad about that. I mean, what was the point of having kids if you spend most of your time wishing life was different? But of course, I don’t wish I didn’t have them. I just wish I could have them as well as more of myself. And not feel bad for wanting that.

ODDS CHECK: The odds an adult agrees that "it is much better for everyone involved if the man is the achiever outside the home and the woman takes care of the home and family" are 1 in 2.83. The odds an adult disagrees with that sentiment are 1 in 1.55.

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