Photo courtesy of Rachel

The odds an employed person 16 or older is a family or general practitioner are 1 in 1,273.

Trying to figure out what to be for the rest of my life, I’m finding, is filled with the same build-up, emotional roller coastering, and unexpected disappointment that friends have expressed when telling me eHarmony horror stories.

Dabbling in different medical fields and finally making a choice is basically the point of 3rd and the beginning of 4th year of medical school. In so many ways, choosing a field is as serious as choosing a significant other. Residency training is exhausting, and loving what you do makes it easier.

Med school, however, makes a terrible matchmaker.

Before 3rd year, lectures are the main focus, so the exposure to different medical fields—through clubs, specialty sponsored lectures, scheduled shadowing time—is superficial. Like with online dating, the limited information is just enough so you’ll develop a little specialty crush, without knowing much about the specialty. It’s the “pre-date” phase, where Mr. Online Casanova is absolutely perfect! Except, well, for that part where you’ve never been on a physical date.

Family Medicine and I had been flirting for a while through the Sharewood Project, a free health care organization run by medical students. Everything about Sharewood completely charmed me. The volunteer Family Medicine docs were the perfect blend of compassionate and astute—the kind of doctor I wanted to be someday. The patients were diverse and interesting, happy to trade time—talking to and being examined by 1st and 2nd year med students—for free primary care. I always left Sharewood feeling like I’d done something productive with my day.

When exams tried to destroy me, I’d think of Sharewood patients like Cheng, the not-so-well-off MBA student from China who frequently popped in. He had few resources and student status, so helping him settle small medical issues made a huge difference in his life. Cheng’s visits were also chances to work on my terrible medical Chinese.

Helping. Making connections. This was why I’d chosen medicine, I’d remind myself. This was the goal I was working towards.

I scheduled a Family Medicine rotation early in 3rd year, excited to finally go on a real “date,” sure that it was “the one.”

Research has shown that scent is strongly linked to mate selection. I think some part of Family Medicine must’ve smelled funny to me. It definitely wasn’t the patients, who I always like. The low pay compared to other specialties doesn’t bother me. I’m also a big fan of primary care’s role in not wasting our more-precious-than-ever health care dollars. Plus, there’d been Sharewood! For all logical purposes, Family Medicine should’ve been my “Mr. Right.” Instead, it was “Mr. Good-Enough,” the nice, stable guy, who’s a touch boring, but marriageable. You’re not necessarily in love, but he makes you happy most of the time.

There is a case to be made for settling for “Mr. Good-Enough.” However, lukewarm feelings about my specialty I can’t settle for…I’m young and restless enough to want some passion. So, while what I had with Sharewood was wonderful, I’m not going to be a Family Medicine doctor.

At this point, I’m not sure what happens next. Since dumping Family Med, I’ve yet to find something I’m sure I want to go into. Very scary, since my 4th year schedule needs to be finalized soon. My spinster status is more apparent each time a friend announces their field of choice, or a relative asks about my future. According to my 4th year friends, it’ll all work out, and I’ll just “know” when I meet the right field.

Great. I really wish discovering your inner doctor was less like looking for love in your 20’s and 30’s. On the bright side, at least my boyfriend is still smelling good…

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